I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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