Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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