Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
