I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Randomize
