You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
