my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
