Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
