nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Can I color on your dick again?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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