dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I think your dad took our porno
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
