dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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