as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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