I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
