Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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