Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
