I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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