One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
