I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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