the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
BRING THE BAGELS
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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