He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
