girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
