I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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