Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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