Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
