You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
