from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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