Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
