Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
