How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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