Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
did you just send me my own nude
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
