I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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