Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
