how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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