The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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