Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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