i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
