what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
