I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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