I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
