I'd wear matching sweaters with you
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
