last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
