Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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