Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
