We need to rekindle our bromance
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
