Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
