He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
