Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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