I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
