my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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