I think I died a long time ago.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
