im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
