this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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