I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
